who signed you up for the rat race?

Happy holidays, everyone. I have a quick read for you today as we transition into a new phase of The Self Learning Database. Stay tuned for much to come.

My biggest struggle when making my own college was the idea that I had to be all in or all out. There was no room for off days, no room for imperfection, and no room for accepting any less than one hundred percent performance every single day. 

It’s not that I was trying to be unrealistic and go against my natural human nature. I knew that rest was important and that I couldn’t expect my body (which operates on a thirty-day cycle) to compete with the corporate regime that operated on a twenty-four-hour schedule. And yet, I held these standards over my own head and wrapped them tightly. I couldn’t breathe, think, or move forward without constantly questioning why I wasn’t doing enough and why I wasn’t enough. 

My solution to this, of needing to be absolutely everything, was found in airtight planning. I made sure that every single detail was solid. Every minute of my day was scheduled. How could I fail if everything was so tightly bound together?

The truth was, I was miserable. I had backed myself into a corner where I couldn’t move one inch into the red without blaming myself and viewing the whole pursuit as a waste of time. I am a smart and capable person–but it meant nothing to me, because I wasn’t perfect. 

I felt the urge to give up immediately. Slowly but surely, I wore myself down to the wire, and I was burned out within six months. If I had any chance of succeeding at my initial endeavors, they had been gunned down by my own efforts. Now, I know why. I know that my identity as a person was endlessly wrapped up in quantifiable accomplishments. My values were built on the backs of hustle culture and the idea that I constantly needed to be producing. I constantly needed to improve, to be the best verson of myself.

But now, I can look back at those times and ask myself… why? Why do we want to be the best versions of ourselves? Why do entrepreneurs strive to earn a million dollars if they can survive from one or two hundred thousand? Why do we want to be in our best possible physical shape? Why do we want to outrun all of those around us?

I’m not saying the answers to these are inherently bad or inherently good. But the only chance we have at creating lasting change and impact in ourselves and those around us is by unveiling the root cause of why we are running in the first place. 

Many people are too ingrained in it to even question. Some would accept the truth right to your face that their purpose for striving is purely for ego and ego alone. They still would not change.

But you don’t have to be them. You don’t have to live your life in a way that validates your existence through production and accomplishment. You are a beautiful, cosmic gift with a purpose in this world, and gifts to fulfill it. But it is our responsibility to see it through and not have it exploited for the benefit of others. This is what happened to me–and I wasn’t even aware of it.

Now I am. You can be, too.

Faithfully yours,

Anneliese Steele Taylor